Why Me, Why This, Why Now

Three questions I find myself asking when I am feeling unwell is why me, why this and why now.

What was it that I overlooked or missed that could have suggested that something wasn’t right? What was it that I did wrong? Not enough exercise, bad diet, smoking or none of the above? Was it simply just bad luck or genetics? Often, when watching the news and on seeing reports of murderers, rapists and the general scum of the earth and it’s hard to fathom that these people will more than likely live into old age. Yet I will struggle to get to middle age.

Why did it have to be Stage 4 advanced? Why not Stage 2 or 3 and why did I have to end up with a mutant gene that makes a cure almost impossible? Why couldn’t it have been a easily curable cancer? A cancer that receives more funding and research? A cancer with a high cure rate or a longer survival rate? When I think about my latests prognosis of 8-10 months, it’s hard to image how I am going to do the things I want to achieve as well as continue treatment.

And why now? Why was I diagnosed at 35 and not at a much older age? Why did it have to happen whilst I was studying, whilst I was enjoying my work, why did it happen a month after moving into our own home with my soul mate?

When I am at my worst I feel as though I have been jibbed. That someone is making a bad joke. I was finally settled in my life, and then it all changed. Not just a little change, but a complete life change. Although I am able to stay positive whilst I am feeling well, it’s hard at times to keep my head up when feeling sick.

I guess I will never have the answers to these questions. It’s simply a case of getting on with it and trying to remain as positive as I can. But maybe one day, with more research, funding and awareness, bowel cancer will be less taboo and a cure can be found.

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