When I was initially diagnosed with incurable bowel cancer and given six months to two years to live, I thought I would spend this time living it up. I would do all the things I ever wanted to do. I would travel, buy a new car, read all the unread books on my shelf and see as many rare and wonderful things I could. There was so much to cram into two years.
It has now been almost six months since my diagnoses and to be perfectly honest, I have not done anything I thought that I would do. I have been on one small holiday to Tasmania, read a few books and marked some small items off my bucket list. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting the precious time that I have left. Other times I am just happy being as I am. Then there are the times were I am simply not up to undertaking any activities other than sleep. In the last six months I have undergone keyhole and major surgery, recovered from both of these and then undergone two and a half months of chemotherapy. This really hasn’t left much time for extra curricular activities.
Just because I have been given a rather shitty prognosis, doesn’t mean that the outside world stops spinning. There are still bills and a mortgage to pay, a house and property to maintain and normal day to day responsibilities to be undertaken. With a cancer diagnosis you do not get given a bag full of money to pay for your adventures. You still need to save and continue with a modified normal life. So in reality, simply dropping everything to undertake holidays and the like is simply not realistic.
As time goes on I feel more comfortable just enjoying my time. Simply having a day to read, binge watch a television series or hangout in the garden makes me happy. I don’t necessarily need the big holidays and adventures right now. I would like to do these things at some stage, I just have to make sure I don’t leave it too late. I have learnt that there is nothing wrong with just being in the today. I have already thought enough about the future and planned for it as best I can. I have reminisced on the past and the adventures I have already had.
So for right now, I just want to be happy and content.