Once the shock and pure heart wrenching sadness had passed, I found myself in two very different frames of mind. One was the fighter that will never give up at any costs, the other was the organiser that needed to have all personal matters under control before the inevitable.
The fighter is who everyone else sees most. That’s the personality that appears when visitors arrive, when talking to my partner and family and even at times when I am alone with my thoughts. This person is eating healthy, drinking funky tasting green shakes that are full of all the good super food stuff, being active, being proactive with possible treatments, therapies, getting second and third opinions and chasing any lead possible. The fighter is getting her body and mind ready to see this through to the end, an end in which I win at all costs.
The organiser on the other hand is getting ready to die. Looking into funerals arrangements, sorting out superannuation, getting ready to write farewell letters and organising wills. This personality does not appear as much as the fighter, but when it does, it’s in private only. No one else sees this person to her full extent. I do worry however, that the organiser may have more regular appearances as this journey continues. The organiser is not a bad person though, for her it’s about making sure that no one has anything to worry about after she is gone. All of her lose ends are tied in a neat bow and everything is organised.