Being Told You Are Dying

By my eight day in hospital I was running up the walls with boredom and just wanted to go home. I was told that as soon as the doctor had been in to see me that I would be discharged. I was so excited by this thought and couldn’t wait for the doctor to arrive, if only I knew.

525At approximately 7:30pm on the 12th of January 2016 (a day before my partner birthday) the doctor finally come to see us. He looked nervous and a little uneasy. There was no easy way for him to give us the diagnosis, so he come straight out with it……incurable bowel cancer. We were in shock. He was asked to repeat the diagnoses numerous times and to clearly spell out incurable. It is just not something you expect to hear when you are 35 years old…..incurable, what does that even mean?

At this point multiple questions enter your mind and try to exit your mouth simultaneously, resulting in no words coming out at all. Then the numbness and light headedness entered, followed by your stomach hitting the floor. During all of this I was waiting for someone to jump out from behind the curtain pointing a hidden camera…..great joke guys….you got us! But no, there was no camera, no cheesy television host, no joke. Instead, we steady ourselves and start with our questions in as calm a manner as possible. “How long do I have?”….. “What should I be doing to help with treatment?”…..”Should I go on a special diet?”……”What’s next?”……”How long has the cancer been inside me?”……. It was after the doctor left the room that it all became real. This is when the reality of me dying hit home. The look of anguish on my partners face made my heart break. There is no feeling that this can be compared to. My first thoughts17264224_10154503950508412_5952184960840221131_n.jpg were not of my diagnosis, the battles to come or even of death, but were of my partner having to pick up the pieces after I had gone. This feeling is nothing that I can explain in words, it’s complete and utter despair.

It was at this point that I said I was not going to give up. I would fight as hard as I could. I let the emotions sweep over me for a few minutes and then put my foot down……Incurable…..please… these people not know how stubborn I can be!!

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